The View From Kalamazoo

I wanted to make a few brief comments regarding the recent article on TV “causing” ADHD. Find the study here. A few direct quotes from the study to put things in further perspective:

“… this [measure] cannot be viewed to be equivalent to a diagnosis of ADHD”

“… the measure that we used for attentional problems is not necessarily indicative of clinically diagnosed ADHD.”

“… we have not in fact studied or found an association between television viewing and clinically diagnosed ADHD.”

“…we cannot draw causal inferences from these associations. It could be that attentional problems lead to television viewing rather than vice versa.”

“we had no data on the content of the television being viewed. Some research indicates that educational television (eg, Sesame Street) may in fact promote attention and reading among school-aged children.”

While interesting, I don’t know whether the parents letting their kids watch more TV at a young age are, themselves, ADHD (and therefore possibly more inclined towards immediate stimuli like tv) which brings us back to the hereditary factors. The finding also ignores the high number of people aged in their 50s and 60s, who grew up without television, being diagnosed as ADHD sufferers. I think there needs to be further study – it’s far too easy to blame the spectre of television without being called to consider the other factors involved in this sort of condition since as soon as you mention the evil ‘tube all heads start nodding vigorously like puppets on a string.

Emma, for example, watched no TV at age 1 and almost none (say maybe 1.5 hours a week or so on average) at age 3 because SHE WAS TOO FREAKING HYPER TO SIT DOWN FOR MORE THAN 5 MINTUES AND DO ANYTHING AT ALL. Looking back I can see the ADHD symptoms appearing in her late toddler/preschool years, despite what the experts seem to think, and, in fact, there were things that totally blew my mind in her infancy (sudden extreme movements, almost lurching in a direction, being awake, even as a newborn, all the time and watching everything with almost manic attention) that I can see clearly as the beginnings of later behavior definitively tied to her ADHD at diagnosis. There was no “cause” – she was born this way, she just is. Colin sits and watches no TV, as well, but exhibits none of the behavior that would set off flags of concern and at this point he appears to not have inherited whatever gene(s) will be found connected to ADHD.

Another recent study suggests that ADHD drugs may slow growth. The study is very small – a much larger study should be done considering all variables – but it’s pretty much in line with our experience. Our already very small child really slowed in growth in the last 1.5 years (since medication, roughly) and we’re (her ped. and I) planning on scheduling another bone age soon to see if she’s still at the small end of normal (what a bone age before diagnosis showed) or if she’s slipped out of normal range some time this summer.

So I met with P, one of my letter-writers (was also a member of my committee), last week to discuss my Unhappy Grad School Situation. I’ll have the opportunity to see G next month at Congress, have already briefly chatted here and there with PESz.

P boiled it down to 3 choices: 1. go to KY (sans funding) this year, find some magical way to pay for it 2. try to defer (hoping for funding next year). go to KY next year. consider looking at other schools as well 3. consider this an opportunity to reconsider my long-made future plans before I’m “trapped” in the system/a program – cited difficulty of Ph.D. process, no guarantee of job after, noted existence of my yet-small progeny If I were to settle on #2, he suggested I work on something towards my goal this year…languages, or take a PTG seminar here (with someone new – which wouldn’t be hard since most of the people I worked with during my degrees are dead, retired, or otherwise gone) or ND that would result in a paper for a new writing sample. I pointed out conference participation, but P said that it’s largely unimportant and while it does no harm on a CV, it does no good, either. (“HHHHMMMmmmm” was my reply to that bit of news)

#1 is damn near impossible. I wish it weren’t, and I do peruse the KY website looking for staff positions for myself or Bri., but I don’t see it happening. I think I could with partial funding (say, a full tuition wavier but no stipend), but even if I only paid in-state rates it would be a no-go.

#2 is the way I think I have to go. I’ll write for reading list suggestions from faculty there, figure out something else in addition to that. I still want to bug PESz more on a part-time teaching position in the fall – I really miss teaching.

#3 is just too depressing. I have been bombarded by (well meaning) people tossing “Maybe this is the way things are supposed to be,” “Maybe someone is trying to tell you ‘something’,” “Do you believe in fate?” platitudes around. If I hadn’t been accepted anywhere I would have to wonder if it’s just me, but that’s not the case.

I have a hard time just rolling over and playing dead on this one – this is something I have worked toward, worked through and past some serious roadblocks for, taken on outstanding amounts of personal debt for, and exercised vast amounts of patience with myself and others just to make it through all of the hoops to reach. Do I give it all up because I’ve bred? It’s would sure be a lot easier and less stressful in the short run to give it up, sure, and maybe Bri. would prefer it. Is that what I use for decision making – what’s easiest? what rocks the family boat least? what requires the least work and stress and money? If these had ever been my dominant methods for life-impacting-decision-making I wouldn’t have left the art program for history, wouldn’t have gone on for an MA, wouldn’t have married…

I realize that P brought this option up in all seriousness (and I can’t help but wonder if this was a way he was trying to tell me he doesn’t think I can hack it, am I paranoid?) because it’s an important internal (and hey, external) dialogue to have and perhaps there are a lot of people who left (or didn’t leave) Ph.D. programs who wished they would have had this dialogue before starting. This isn’t a whim, this isn’t a fly-by-night crackpot idea I just came up with yesterday – I’ve been thinking and thinking and thinking (and obsessing) about it for so many years, worked so long and hard that I can’t help but feel a little insulted that it’s even brought up. What am I doing wrong that keeps leaving people with the impression that I’m not serious? Good God Damn – if this is hopeless would someone please tell me to quit wasting my time?!?!!!!! Yeah, some days I just want to give up – but it’s wanting to give up because I get so tired of fighting against that sort of attitude (because I have kids? because I’m female? because I’m in my mid-30s? because I’ve done things on my own time-line and have a “real job”?), it’s not wanting to not do the work, not write the papers, not do the research, not slog my way through the system.

Yeah, it would be easier to just decide to stay here, yoked to my student loan debt, trying to figure out a way to buy a house. Bri. would prefer it, since he’s so attached to his job and hates to move, anyway. Is easier better? You know, the one thing I would really like is to be able to stop worrying about this, to stop planning forward and looking forward and always living for some time in the distant future – I’d like to know where I’ll be living in September (now 2005). I’d like to know what I’ll be doing. I’m so sick of speaking in future tense using hopeful language, I’d like to talk about definites, concrete realities, certainties. I’m sick of, as Emma puts it, “I’m gon’!” I just want to DO, not GON’ DO. As for what may have been wrong with my dossier, other than extremely large (therefore competitive) pools or funding issues…he wasn’t thrilled with my SOP (hey, neither was I, which is why I went to so many people for advice, damnit!), he suggested my interests are easy to perceive as marginal by anyone outside of medieval history (and even some inside), and there’s the big, unspoken issue of whether programs are unwilling to take on students with families (or, as I less delicately but IMO more accurately put it, women with kids).

I don’t know…but have heard from a few of the schools that turned me down regarding my request for feedback from graduate admissions coordinators. Snarky reply from VA (which I rather expected, they do have a reputation for thinking very highly of themselves and very little of anything outside of themselves), replies from ND and SLU citing numbers of applicants and amount of funding available and not offering any sort of negative feedback on my application. I have come to the conclusion that Northwestern is a screaming mess and was a waste of my time and money to even think they wouldn’t somehow screw my file up (note: again). No reply from MI, IN. Don’t expect one from MI…IN I rather did, but whatever. Hey, I think have a right to ask for feedback and they have a right to not offer any. I’d rather get something honest back from a couple of schools than horsepucky from all of them.

I just wish Bri. would stop asking “So now what?” I’m still looking for that big bridge to leap from in tortured glory, ok? I have to write a paper for that June conference. I don’t get to look forward to trips overseas to do research, Leeds, or anything. I should go to Nashville in Nov. to meet my new neice/nephew. It’s too painful to try to plan ahead anymore since nothing I plan for and work towards seems to ever work out. I don’t want to be held accountable for anything beyond next month. (crossposted to my lj)

Buried for 12 centuries by a landslide and closed to the public for 24 years,
the oldest Christian church in the Roman Forum is being opened for a limited
time.

9500-year-old grave reveals first pet cat in Britain

YOU MIGHT BE A MEDIEVALIST IF…

-Your secondary sources are somebody else’s primary sources.

-Everyone else on your conference panel has taken holy orders.

-You have a favorite decree of the fourth lateran council.

-Your particular field of study could be wiped out by a car accident.

-You’ve ever been asked “the truth” about King Arthur.

-You refer to the American Revolution as a “recent development.”

-You add the word “yet” to the statement “I don’t know that language.”

-You specify which level of hell your day has been like.

-You call the renaissance “a dirty lie.”

[crossposted and attributed in my LiveJournal]

So.

Last night we had parent/teacher conferences. I have to admit I was dreading this – it seems like I’ve had too much bad news lately, including periodic calls form school about Emma cussing at other kids on the playground and increasing defiant behavior towards one of her teachers – and I was worried it would too closely resemble the last IEP/assessment meetings which consisted of people in the school laying out, in detail, all the things my kid can’t do at grade level. She’s only 7, she was only diagnosed with ADHD a year and a half ago, and her LDs a couple of months ago, so while at first I could busy myself with diagnosis, the pediatrician and getting the meds started and dosing schedules/dosages slowly worked out this school year I’m having to come to grips more with what’s happening with her educationally and how to deal with it. It’s been very, very emotionally draining for me.

(These compounded by her behavioral issues that are either getting more intense, not resolving, or suddenly appearing – and I’m talking about non-positive expression here, a LOT of non-positive expression and behaviors – usually shrill non-positive expression and behaviors. She’s just been a pill, and it’s been so emotionally and intellectually upsetting to live with such constant conflict. I can’t even read, it’s so distracting, and to say my temper has been on edge for the last 6-8 months isn’t even the half of it.)

That isn’t to say I have a negative bunch of people to work with at her school – her teacher, teacher consultant, principal, and the psychologist (who just joined the school this year) are all very student-centered and good to work with. They clearly want to see her succeed, and I appreciate that. When I came in her teacher, consultant, and the teacher who has been working with her on reading in the afternoons were all there. The afternoon teacher had progress to report! Yay! For so long progress has been very long in coming (even small progress) and was so hard-won they felt like phyrric victories. I’m glad to see some things falling more into place for her, and her self-esteem benefits from each time she realizes she knows the answer!

The best part is that I went in ready to listen to everything and then demand they retain Emma for a year and repeat first grade to give her the time she clearly needs to gain the skills that her ADHD had really prevented her from getting in preschool and kindergarten (hence why she started this year already so very far behind, plus the reading-related LDs). Well, they looked at each other nervously, told me that they don’t make this suggestion lightly, and then asked me to consider thinking about the very thing I had already decided needed to happen! What a relief! And because she isn’t officially in a sped classroom we don’t need a transitional IEP at the end of the year, so none of this needs to go to the sped coordinator at the administration building (who I already knew would be the dragon I would have to fight to make this happen). The teacher had already passed it by the principal, who is all for it, and the only person I will have to contend with is the psychologist. She’ll give me a lot of arguments against retention, cite studies, invoke IDEA etc – but this is my legal right, and I don’t think she’ll give me more than token resistance (because she’s expected to as part of her job as gatekeeper to services the school system doesn’t want to pay for, but children need and have the legal right to receive).

We also discussed the summer, and I described our dismal experience with summer school last year. I’d prefer to put her in some sort of girl scout day camp so she can learn new skills while having fun, hopefully boost her self-esteem and self-confidence, and use some sort of tutoring as education supplementation. They were receptive to my ideas and gave me information on different places to contact. I think this will be a better fit for her, and we’ll have a better result in the end.

I’ve also been busy with mom-of-kid-with-ADHD type stuff. I’ve been attending meetings for our local MACED when the topic is applicable to our situation, same with our local CHADD. I’ve started a 3-Monday run of parenting classes provided free from a local organization called PASS (Parent and Adult Services Program) on communication with kids with LDs/ADHD and working with the schools. It’s all about information, baby. The more info, tricks, tips, etc.. I can get the happier I am – for example, I learned that Emma’s behavioral issues fall mostly into the descriptor explosive child that has been used for a while, which helps me look for more information online and at the bookstore that really targets the stuff we’re dealing with at home. This whole process, starting nearly two years ago, is very much like learning a new language.

ItÂ’s been a couple of weeks since IÂ’ve had much time (or, frankly, much inclination) to do more than just post a few links here and there. So IÂ’m still tremendously frustrated, but wallowing less (that being relative, of course…less than constant is still pretty unpleasant). IÂ’m trying to figure out a way to go to KY without funding this year, anyway, but IÂ’m afraid IÂ’m not coming up with any good solutions (yet. I can still hope, canÂ’t I?)

This morning I send an inquiry to the chairs or graduate coordinators of all the schools that gave my application the hearty heave-ho asking for feedback on my application that I might strengthen it. Saint Louis U. offered to do just that, so I expect a reply from them…whether U MI, U VA, IN U, Northwestern or Notre Dame respond is anyone’s guess – if it was just a matter of funding, or is the sheer number of applicants required a slash-and-burn technique once in committee I’d like to know that so that I might salvage some of my dignity. It’s not a nice thing to sit around and feel like the biggest loser on the planet despite all of the fairly nice things I have on my cv.

I really miss teaching. I have check on the local community college site and will, perhaps, put in an application there for a western civ. course or something. IÂ’d love to part-time here at WMU for the Institute and teach an evening section of Heroes and Villains of the Middle Ages again (I taught it, both solo and as part of a two-part time, for 3 years), but PESz thinks IÂ’ll go insane if he lets me do that in addition to my full-time job here as Cong. CoordÂ….frankly, I may go insane if he doesnÂ’t let me. IÂ’m unhappy IÂ’m still stuck here instead of going on for the Ph.D., IÂ’m unhappy I havenÂ’t taught in several years because of this job, and IÂ’m unhappy IÂ’m not independently wealthy and could go to KY even though they have no funding to offer.

You know, IÂ’ve gotten through school working, having my aid screwed up, raising a family, more working, teaching on top of classes and working, my own major surgeries (yes, plural), my daughterÂ’s major surgery, trips to the hospital with her, an obstructionist advisor and leagues away from optimal thesis processÂ…Good Christ, can we please have a few more walls thrown up I have to get around? I even asked some of my committee members, before I shelled out all that money to apply to Ph.D. programs, if mine was a pity pass (because if anyone would have deserved it God knows I did after all of that horsesh*t… and they assured me, no, it wasnÂ’t) because I didnÂ’t want to waste my time, my money, my emotional energy on a hopeless venture that would end up resulting in a big 0 – and what the heck has this gotten me, anyway? 0. IÂ’ve gotten this far by not quitting in the face of crap that would send others packing, itÂ’s taken me longer than usual, but IÂ’ve not given up because I knew where I wanted to be, what I wanted to do. Right now, however, IÂ’m feeling pretty damn defeatist.

Python’s ‘Life of Brian’ to be re-issued!!

ISTC Database – Incunabula Short Title Catalogue

An experimental plague vaccine proved 100 percent effective when tested in a new mouse model for plague infection developed by scientists at Rocky Mountain Laboratories (RML), part of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID) of the National Institutes of Health. The scientists developed their model to mimic the natural transmission route of bubonic plague through the bites of infected fleas. The flea-to-mouse model provides a more realistic test setting than previously used methods, enabling a better assessment of a vaccine’s ability to protect against a real-world challenge.

I find myself nodding and chuckling at this one. Must be the mother in me: A new state law in Ohio requires judges to brand convicted drunk drivers with special “scarlet letter” license plates — with red numbers on a yellow background so other motorists will know exactly what they’ve done.

Openings in Leeds’ International Medieval Congress sessions! (too bad I have no hope of scrabbling the money to go overseas!)

Medieval Warm Period in Asia out-performs the Modern Warm Period in terms of both high temperatures and longevity of warmth.