The View From Kalamazoo

Despite skipping the gym all of last week (had to wait for the bus to Girl Scout Daycamp, it wasn’t like I was doing something fun or anything) I managed to be .5 lb down Monday. I’ve tripled-up on ab/related areas machines and I hurt Tuesday. Yesterday did the same (another .5 lb down!) and I hurt today. I’m relegating arms/legs to every-other workout – I don’t want to bulk, and my legs are certainly skinny enough compared with the rest of me..I don’t need to make my Michigan J. Frog look-a-like connection stronger, thanks. Eliptical trainer still fills me with fear and loathing, so another round of the bellydance class this fall seems likely – at least it’s fun cardio. I look goofy, but it doesn’t bore me to tears and I lurve my coin scarf – cheery yellow jingly goodness.

Spent the whole weekend bonding with my grandmother’s new sewing machine. (no, I still haven’t taken mine to be repaired….and Halloween is coming. DOH!) All told 9 pairs of pants needed shortening, and the 4 that were not slims I darted so they had some chance of fitting with a belt on – slims are, believe it or not, still a little big on Em so you can imagine what the regulars look like. I looked it up – we’re actually 5% for height on the chart – but at…1% max for weight. Need to gain 1.5 lbs to make it to the 3% line on the chart. (I found a downloadable height/weight chart by age for girls so I can manifest even more parental stress over Em’s weight – why wait til the next appt. when this is a much more effecient way to beat myself up over it!)

Also found a lunchbox (on sale. yo.) she approved of this weekend (and glorious palettes of washable markers). School start looms large (YES!) and apart from any random supplies/donations to the classroom I hear about after she goes back the only thing I have not yet gotten is good athletic shoes, and I’m waiting on those (since my mom expressed excitement in taking her school-shoe shopping at the end of the month). I lucked into 2 pair of leather shoes for her – a mary jane type and a suede chukka – on clearance (my favorite word. no, seriously) and that’s clearance several times over so I got them for around $6 a pair. What a find! W00T! And we have a folder that says ‘Girls Rule’ in neon pink on a lime green background. Who could ask for more?

Lunched with thesis advisor yesterday. Was nagged to edit something for publication. Yippee skippee.

What seems like a simple question – ‘Well, are you going to apply again?’ – is not so simple at all. Bri is happy in his job, is far from excited about the prospect of moving, is pretty pessimistic about this whole thing, in general – and I have to live with that. I also have to live with…me.

Lest I appear a total head case, let’s lay this all out: I am getting advice from more sources than seems reasonable – and the advice runs the gamut of ‘Follow your goals! Do it! Never give up!’ to ‘Academia sucks! Get out now, while you can!’ to ‘The economy is bad – how can you expect to be able to move a family, find employment, family insurance on top of funding issues? Are you never going to settle down?!?’ to (my favorite) ‘What happened this year was meant to be – it’s just not your time‘.

Riiight.

So at the face of this “no-brainer” there are the following pesky details: There is significant risk:

~Applying is expensive, and even if I am accepted somewhere else there is still the question of funding – it’s full, or a no go.

~I’ve already put my family into magnificent student-loan debt for the MA so finances aren’t pretty. How nice of me.

~The economy is crap.

~There is not only no guarantee that there will be a job for me at the other side – at fabulous 40 (by that time) will I be totally overlooked for what few faculty positions there will be?

~I already have over 10 years as a university employee, complete with the usual meager retirement bennies. This would be, in effect, a total start-over. Bri. is also a university employee – fewer years, but same issues.

~Moving would be a tremendous expense, and would mean (obviously) a new school for Ms. Thang – a new school that may be a far cry from the one she’s in now, and may require a lot more time in meetings, fighting for her rights, hiring of lawyers, and other niceties that I would have even less time to deal with.

~It would means a move now, presumably at least one move after to a new position (should there be one) – but if that’s term or adjunct I’d likely be looking at more moving. So that is hardly a good time-line for house purchase and Bri. getting a good job and being able to remain in it for the length of time it will take to get to the level he desires. If there is no position – what the heck will we do, then?

~It would be a lot more work, a lot more stress, a lot more uncertainty of person and place, a lot less time for my family.

but:

~To not go on will mean effectively flushing 14 years of education, goals, and professional activity down the toilet.

~To not go on means I will never be able to do the only thing I really want to do – teach medieval history.

~To not go on will mean I’ll have to give up something integral to who I am and how I see myself. To give up the self-identity I’ve had for 14 years – what a mindscrew that is.

~To not go on means to always feel like a failure, to always wonder if I could have done it..could have been good enough. To admit defeat.

~To not go on means I disappoint myself and countless other people who have given me support.

~To not go on means I may remain a glorified secretary forever – so much for wanting to do something meaningful. So much for wanting to be taken seriously.

My answer, then, (all feedback/commentary/opinions/pressures I have gotten over the last 6 months boiled down to lowest common denominator) comes from the questions:

Am I a bad scholar, or am I a bad mother?

Do I take care of my professional goals and my ego, or do I take care of my family?

Which label do I choose to own, all personal desires and dreams aside.

I can’t fail to notice that all of my preceding angst and waffling would be unnecessary were I male – the expectations would be different.

Talking books used to help improve health care in Afghanistan (Based on popular LeapPad books for U.S. children)

I bet they are spared from the scourge of … Barbie themed leap pad titles! Aiiee! Bob the Builder would be a better example.

“We can fix it, yes we can!”

AD/HD Awareness Day: September 7, 2004

Mark your calendars, America! The first National Attention Deficit Disorder Awareness Day is September 7, 2004.Thanks to a Senate resolution that was passed in July and the strong-arming of lobbyists at the Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA). September 7 will be dedicated to spreading awareness about AD/HD. Senator Maria Cantwell of Washington state, who introduced the bill, says, “My hope in identifying a National Awareness Day for AD/HD is to encourage an honest discussion about AD/HD, its impact on children and adults in schools, in the workplace, and in relationships, and encourage sufferers to seek relief.”

From the last week of August through September 7, ADDA, with the help of friends from the National Mental Health Association and the American Psychiatric Association, will launch a host of nationwide activities. Expert speakers will rally crowds in various cities, and you’ll be able to join teleconferences on medication, behavior, and symptoms simply by picking up the phone. (Other events remain unconfirmed at presstime.) While ADDA hopes to make AD/HD Day a yearly thing, don’t wait until 2005 to help start others on the road to treatment. Find out what’s happening near you today; call 484-945-2101 or visit www.add.org.

Hella expensive ADD treatment. More here. Does it come in fashion colors?

Looks amazing – but I don’t have two grand to toss around. Du?

So, then, would these dolls be illegal in Alabama since they come with…uh…?

Inquiring minds want to know. It’s a mad, mad, mad, mad world.

I’m a coffee drinker. I enjoy my coffee.

This, however, is beyond my tastes: Cat droppings yield chic coffee

I’m OK with not being chic. I really, really am…

w00t!!!

The Warburg Institute Digital Collections: Bibliotheca Astrologica Latina Numerica

(This is a list of the digitized editions, from this link)

FAH 820 , Astrology Abû Ma’shar Flores, Venice, Johannes Baptista Sessa, 1488

FAH 765 , Astrology Zael De electionibus, Venice, Petrus Liechtenstein, 1509

FAH 750 , Astrology Umar Ibn al-Farrukhân al-Tabarî De nativitatibus secundum Omar, Basel, Iohannes Hervagius, 1533

FAH 750 , Astrology Massahallah Messahallach de ratione circuli et stellarum, et qualiter operantur in hoc seculo, Basel, Iohannes Hervagius, 1533

FAH 750 , Astrology Unknown Almansoris astrologi propositiones, ad Saracenorum regem, Basel, Iohannes Hervagius, 1533

FAH 750 , Astrology Bethem Centiloquium, Basel, Iohannes Hervagius, 1533

FAH 750 , Astrology Bethem De Horis planetarum, Basel, Iohannes Hervagius, 1533

FAH 1980 , Astrology Natura et effetti della luna nelle cose humane passando per I XII. Segni del Cielo, Venice, Publisher unknown, 1540 c.