The View From Kalamazoo

ItÂ’s been a couple of weeks since IÂ’ve had much time (or, frankly, much inclination) to do more than just post a few links here and there. So IÂ’m still tremendously frustrated, but wallowing less (that being relative, of course…less than constant is still pretty unpleasant). IÂ’m trying to figure out a way to go to KY without funding this year, anyway, but IÂ’m afraid IÂ’m not coming up with any good solutions (yet. I can still hope, canÂ’t I?)

This morning I send an inquiry to the chairs or graduate coordinators of all the schools that gave my application the hearty heave-ho asking for feedback on my application that I might strengthen it. Saint Louis U. offered to do just that, so I expect a reply from them…whether U MI, U VA, IN U, Northwestern or Notre Dame respond is anyone’s guess – if it was just a matter of funding, or is the sheer number of applicants required a slash-and-burn technique once in committee I’d like to know that so that I might salvage some of my dignity. It’s not a nice thing to sit around and feel like the biggest loser on the planet despite all of the fairly nice things I have on my cv.

I really miss teaching. I have check on the local community college site and will, perhaps, put in an application there for a western civ. course or something. IÂ’d love to part-time here at WMU for the Institute and teach an evening section of Heroes and Villains of the Middle Ages again (I taught it, both solo and as part of a two-part time, for 3 years), but PESz thinks IÂ’ll go insane if he lets me do that in addition to my full-time job here as Cong. CoordÂ….frankly, I may go insane if he doesnÂ’t let me. IÂ’m unhappy IÂ’m still stuck here instead of going on for the Ph.D., IÂ’m unhappy I havenÂ’t taught in several years because of this job, and IÂ’m unhappy IÂ’m not independently wealthy and could go to KY even though they have no funding to offer.

You know, IÂ’ve gotten through school working, having my aid screwed up, raising a family, more working, teaching on top of classes and working, my own major surgeries (yes, plural), my daughterÂ’s major surgery, trips to the hospital with her, an obstructionist advisor and leagues away from optimal thesis processÂ…Good Christ, can we please have a few more walls thrown up I have to get around? I even asked some of my committee members, before I shelled out all that money to apply to Ph.D. programs, if mine was a pity pass (because if anyone would have deserved it God knows I did after all of that horsesh*t… and they assured me, no, it wasnÂ’t) because I didnÂ’t want to waste my time, my money, my emotional energy on a hopeless venture that would end up resulting in a big 0 – and what the heck has this gotten me, anyway? 0. IÂ’ve gotten this far by not quitting in the face of crap that would send others packing, itÂ’s taken me longer than usual, but IÂ’ve not given up because I knew where I wanted to be, what I wanted to do. Right now, however, IÂ’m feeling pretty damn defeatist.