The View From Kalamazoo

What seems like a simple question – ‘Well, are you going to apply again?’ – is not so simple at all. Bri is happy in his job, is far from excited about the prospect of moving, is pretty pessimistic about this whole thing, in general – and I have to live with that. I also have to live with…me.

Lest I appear a total head case, let’s lay this all out: I am getting advice from more sources than seems reasonable – and the advice runs the gamut of ‘Follow your goals! Do it! Never give up!’ to ‘Academia sucks! Get out now, while you can!’ to ‘The economy is bad – how can you expect to be able to move a family, find employment, family insurance on top of funding issues? Are you never going to settle down?!?’ to (my favorite) ‘What happened this year was meant to be – it’s just not your time‘.

Riiight.

So at the face of this “no-brainer” there are the following pesky details: There is significant risk:

~Applying is expensive, and even if I am accepted somewhere else there is still the question of funding – it’s full, or a no go.

~I’ve already put my family into magnificent student-loan debt for the MA so finances aren’t pretty. How nice of me.

~The economy is crap.

~There is not only no guarantee that there will be a job for me at the other side – at fabulous 40 (by that time) will I be totally overlooked for what few faculty positions there will be?

~I already have over 10 years as a university employee, complete with the usual meager retirement bennies. This would be, in effect, a total start-over. Bri. is also a university employee – fewer years, but same issues.

~Moving would be a tremendous expense, and would mean (obviously) a new school for Ms. Thang – a new school that may be a far cry from the one she’s in now, and may require a lot more time in meetings, fighting for her rights, hiring of lawyers, and other niceties that I would have even less time to deal with.

~It would means a move now, presumably at least one move after to a new position (should there be one) – but if that’s term or adjunct I’d likely be looking at more moving. So that is hardly a good time-line for house purchase and Bri. getting a good job and being able to remain in it for the length of time it will take to get to the level he desires. If there is no position – what the heck will we do, then?

~It would be a lot more work, a lot more stress, a lot more uncertainty of person and place, a lot less time for my family.

but:

~To not go on will mean effectively flushing 14 years of education, goals, and professional activity down the toilet.

~To not go on means I will never be able to do the only thing I really want to do – teach medieval history.

~To not go on will mean I’ll have to give up something integral to who I am and how I see myself. To give up the self-identity I’ve had for 14 years – what a mindscrew that is.

~To not go on means to always feel like a failure, to always wonder if I could have done it..could have been good enough. To admit defeat.

~To not go on means I disappoint myself and countless other people who have given me support.

~To not go on means I may remain a glorified secretary forever – so much for wanting to do something meaningful. So much for wanting to be taken seriously.

My answer, then, (all feedback/commentary/opinions/pressures I have gotten over the last 6 months boiled down to lowest common denominator) comes from the questions:

Am I a bad scholar, or am I a bad mother?

Do I take care of my professional goals and my ego, or do I take care of my family?

Which label do I choose to own, all personal desires and dreams aside.

I can’t fail to notice that all of my preceding angst and waffling would be unnecessary were I male – the expectations would be different.