The View From Kalamazoo

So.

Last night we had parent/teacher conferences. I have to admit I was dreading this – it seems like I’ve had too much bad news lately, including periodic calls form school about Emma cussing at other kids on the playground and increasing defiant behavior towards one of her teachers – and I was worried it would too closely resemble the last IEP/assessment meetings which consisted of people in the school laying out, in detail, all the things my kid can’t do at grade level. She’s only 7, she was only diagnosed with ADHD a year and a half ago, and her LDs a couple of months ago, so while at first I could busy myself with diagnosis, the pediatrician and getting the meds started and dosing schedules/dosages slowly worked out this school year I’m having to come to grips more with what’s happening with her educationally and how to deal with it. It’s been very, very emotionally draining for me.

(These compounded by her behavioral issues that are either getting more intense, not resolving, or suddenly appearing – and I’m talking about non-positive expression here, a LOT of non-positive expression and behaviors – usually shrill non-positive expression and behaviors. She’s just been a pill, and it’s been so emotionally and intellectually upsetting to live with such constant conflict. I can’t even read, it’s so distracting, and to say my temper has been on edge for the last 6-8 months isn’t even the half of it.)

That isn’t to say I have a negative bunch of people to work with at her school – her teacher, teacher consultant, principal, and the psychologist (who just joined the school this year) are all very student-centered and good to work with. They clearly want to see her succeed, and I appreciate that. When I came in her teacher, consultant, and the teacher who has been working with her on reading in the afternoons were all there. The afternoon teacher had progress to report! Yay! For so long progress has been very long in coming (even small progress) and was so hard-won they felt like phyrric victories. I’m glad to see some things falling more into place for her, and her self-esteem benefits from each time she realizes she knows the answer!

The best part is that I went in ready to listen to everything and then demand they retain Emma for a year and repeat first grade to give her the time she clearly needs to gain the skills that her ADHD had really prevented her from getting in preschool and kindergarten (hence why she started this year already so very far behind, plus the reading-related LDs). Well, they looked at each other nervously, told me that they don’t make this suggestion lightly, and then asked me to consider thinking about the very thing I had already decided needed to happen! What a relief! And because she isn’t officially in a sped classroom we don’t need a transitional IEP at the end of the year, so none of this needs to go to the sped coordinator at the administration building (who I already knew would be the dragon I would have to fight to make this happen). The teacher had already passed it by the principal, who is all for it, and the only person I will have to contend with is the psychologist. She’ll give me a lot of arguments against retention, cite studies, invoke IDEA etc – but this is my legal right, and I don’t think she’ll give me more than token resistance (because she’s expected to as part of her job as gatekeeper to services the school system doesn’t want to pay for, but children need and have the legal right to receive).

We also discussed the summer, and I described our dismal experience with summer school last year. I’d prefer to put her in some sort of girl scout day camp so she can learn new skills while having fun, hopefully boost her self-esteem and self-confidence, and use some sort of tutoring as education supplementation. They were receptive to my ideas and gave me information on different places to contact. I think this will be a better fit for her, and we’ll have a better result in the end.

I’ve also been busy with mom-of-kid-with-ADHD type stuff. I’ve been attending meetings for our local MACED when the topic is applicable to our situation, same with our local CHADD. I’ve started a 3-Monday run of parenting classes provided free from a local organization called PASS (Parent and Adult Services Program) on communication with kids with LDs/ADHD and working with the schools. It’s all about information, baby. The more info, tricks, tips, etc.. I can get the happier I am – for example, I learned that Emma’s behavioral issues fall mostly into the descriptor explosive child that has been used for a while, which helps me look for more information online and at the bookstore that really targets the stuff we’re dealing with at home. This whole process, starting nearly two years ago, is very much like learning a new language.

ItÂ’s been a couple of weeks since IÂ’ve had much time (or, frankly, much inclination) to do more than just post a few links here and there. So IÂ’m still tremendously frustrated, but wallowing less (that being relative, of course…less than constant is still pretty unpleasant). IÂ’m trying to figure out a way to go to KY without funding this year, anyway, but IÂ’m afraid IÂ’m not coming up with any good solutions (yet. I can still hope, canÂ’t I?)

This morning I send an inquiry to the chairs or graduate coordinators of all the schools that gave my application the hearty heave-ho asking for feedback on my application that I might strengthen it. Saint Louis U. offered to do just that, so I expect a reply from them…whether U MI, U VA, IN U, Northwestern or Notre Dame respond is anyone’s guess – if it was just a matter of funding, or is the sheer number of applicants required a slash-and-burn technique once in committee I’d like to know that so that I might salvage some of my dignity. It’s not a nice thing to sit around and feel like the biggest loser on the planet despite all of the fairly nice things I have on my cv.

I really miss teaching. I have check on the local community college site and will, perhaps, put in an application there for a western civ. course or something. IÂ’d love to part-time here at WMU for the Institute and teach an evening section of Heroes and Villains of the Middle Ages again (I taught it, both solo and as part of a two-part time, for 3 years), but PESz thinks IÂ’ll go insane if he lets me do that in addition to my full-time job here as Cong. CoordÂ….frankly, I may go insane if he doesnÂ’t let me. IÂ’m unhappy IÂ’m still stuck here instead of going on for the Ph.D., IÂ’m unhappy I havenÂ’t taught in several years because of this job, and IÂ’m unhappy IÂ’m not independently wealthy and could go to KY even though they have no funding to offer.

You know, IÂ’ve gotten through school working, having my aid screwed up, raising a family, more working, teaching on top of classes and working, my own major surgeries (yes, plural), my daughterÂ’s major surgery, trips to the hospital with her, an obstructionist advisor and leagues away from optimal thesis processÂ…Good Christ, can we please have a few more walls thrown up I have to get around? I even asked some of my committee members, before I shelled out all that money to apply to Ph.D. programs, if mine was a pity pass (because if anyone would have deserved it God knows I did after all of that horsesh*t… and they assured me, no, it wasnÂ’t) because I didnÂ’t want to waste my time, my money, my emotional energy on a hopeless venture that would end up resulting in a big 0 – and what the heck has this gotten me, anyway? 0. IÂ’ve gotten this far by not quitting in the face of crap that would send others packing, itÂ’s taken me longer than usual, but IÂ’ve not given up because I knew where I wanted to be, what I wanted to do. Right now, however, IÂ’m feeling pretty damn defeatist.